Idle Thoughts Of A Wandering Mind

IDLE THOUGHTS OF A WANDERING MIND

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or twice

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is it me--or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Off to Safeway to try this out ...

Building The Bin

The way this week has been going, I'm starting to build my own bin.

Saskatchewan Election

I will be keeping my eye on this one. I have seen with my own eyes what struggles tradionally "conservative" areas of the province have gone through when trying to lobby for services for their area and have been ignored by the NDP. One small example, the well-travelled highway in southeastern Saskatchewan that goes to the Border has been ignored for years to the point where it is nearly impassable. A town in the same area, lobbying for health care facilities for years, finally went about doing most of the fund-raising themselves to provide the area with a wonderful integrated health care facility.

Is Saskatchewan becoming Alberta-lite? It would seem so, if you believe the media, so something must be going right. Real estate investors are going beserk buying up properties.

Apparently the Liberals have had no seats in the last four years.

Saskatchewan Party leader Brad Wall said after 16 years of NDP government, it's time for a change.

Should be an interesting few weeks.

Summary Of My Last Year On The Computer

I so laughed at this, as I have received all of these referred to e-emails at one time or another.

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending m e for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician... Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way..... A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!

Causes of Homelessness

There are homeless people who can’t hold a job, but there are also homeless people who hold full time jobs, so you can’t blame a lack of work ethic as a cause of homelessness.
There are homeless people who can’t read or write, but there are also homeless people who have PhDs, so you can’t blame a lack of education as a cause of homelessness.
There are homeless people who are mentally ill, but there are also homeless people who are completely sane, so you can’t blame mental illness as a cause of homelessness.
There are homeless people who are addicts of every kind, but there are also homeless people who have no addictions at all, so you can’t blame addictions as a cause of homelessness.
There are people who are unemployed who have homes, there are people who are uneducated who have homes, there are people who are mentally ill who have homes, there are people who are addicted to drugs who have homes.
So really, the cause of homelessness has to be another aspect of humanity we have so far failed to deal with.

Posted by TheHomelessGuy, www.thehomelessguy.wordpress.com
October 2/07

The Dangers Of The Unattended Laundry Bin

The Wrong Tree

I have been a consumer of goods
I have been a consumer of services
I have been a consumer of food
I have been a consumer of entertainment
I have been a consumer of ideas
I have been a consumer of opportunities
I have been a consumer of information
I have been a consumer of entitlements
I have been a consumer of advanced medical care
I have been a consumer of fine wine
I have been a consumer of fair trade coffee
I have been a consumer of enrichment activities
I have been a consumer of crash tested cars
I have been a consumer of regular dental checkups
I have been a consumer of privileges
I have been a consumer of organic vegetables
I have been a consumer of recognition
I have been a consumer of unique artistic expression
I have been a consumer of free grocery samples
I have been a consumer of alternative therapies
I have been a consumer of anti-depressant medications
I have been a consumer of vocational choices
I have been a consumer of zen enlightenment
I have been a consumer of purified water
I have been a consumer of the holy eucharist
I have been a consumer of the latest scientific findings
I have been a consumer of spiritual advisement
I have been a consumer of homeland security
I have been a consumer of military protection
I have been a consumer of diversity training
I have been a consumer of yoga instruction
I have been a consumer of superior phones
I have been a consumer of unlimited text messaging
I have been a consumer of annual pap smears
I have been a consumer of professional advancement
I have been a consumer of fluorescent light bulbs

When might I have Peace?

Posted by Laura - http://beentherestillthere.blogspot.com/

Gull Lake Camp

August long weekend we went to Gull Lake Baptist Camp, near Lacombe, Alberta. We took our motorhome and camped on the beautiful grounds. Top right is our guide, Eric. Eric was like one of the family, did everything with us and for us. The camp has amazing facilities, including this beautiful dining room. Brett and Caitlin are just finishing chowing down on taco lunch.

12th Birthday

Caitlin, centre top, and pals on her 12th birthday August 2nd at Calaway Park, Calgary.

Megan, Becki, Brenna, Tyler, Daniel.

Labour Day Parade

For a small town, we always have the most enjoyable Labour Day Parade. We have a large contingent of British soldiers training for their mission in Afghanistan just outside town. This year the military was a strong presence in our parade. It included, we were told, one of the world's most elite military marching bands. They were really something. Of course, being in ranching country, there were dozens and dozens of horses and riders.

Okay, so I'm lazy ...

I miss having time to update as much as I would like to. So, in lieu of, will try and post some pics from the summer. You see here two generations of pyromaniacs. What is it about men and fire????

New Rules For Employment

New Rules For Employment:

Sickness and related leave: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Surgery: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Bereavement leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
Your own death: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
Restroom use: Too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with "B" will go from 8:10 to 8:20, and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
Paycheck guide: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks: Item Amount Gross = $1,222.02 Income tax = $244.40 State tax = $11.61 Interstate tax = $61.10 County tax = $6.11 City tax = $12.22 Rural tax = $4.44 Back tax = $1.11 Front tax = $1.16 Side tax = $1.61 Up tax = $1.08 Down tax = $1.14 Tic-Tacs = $1.98 = Thumbtacks $3.93 = Carpet tacks = $0.98 Stadium tax = $0.69 Flat tax = $8.32 Surtax = $2.23 Corporate tax = $2.60 Parking fee = $5.00 F.I.C.A. = $81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund = $9.95 Life insurance = $5.85 Health insurance = $16.23 Dental insurance = $4.50 Mental insurance = $4.33 Disability = $2.50 Ability = $0.25 Liability = $3.41 Coffee = $6.85 Coffee cups = $66.51 Floor rental = $16.85 Chair rental = $0.32 Desk rental = $4.32 Union dues = $5.85 Union donuts = $3.77 Cash advance = $0.69 Cash retreats = $121.35 Overtime = $1.26 Under time = $54.83 Eastern time = $9.00 Central time = $8.00 Mountain time = $7.00 Pacific time = $6.00 Time Out = $12.21 Oxygen = $10.02 Water = $16.54 Heat = $51.42 Cool air = $26.83 Hot air = $20.00 Miscellaneous = $113.29 Various = $8.01 Net Take Home Pay = $0.02
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week, The Management

Do you think you are not creative?

Dorothy Sayers said if all we knew about God was Genesis 1:1, all we would know is that God is creative.

Since we are created in God's image, at least one innate quality of humans is our creativity.

High School Students Demand Wars In Easier-To-Find Countries

"How Come No One Fights in Big Famous Nations Anymore?" They Ask

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — A delegation of American high school students today demanded the United States stop waging war in obscure nations such as Afghanistan, Kuwait, and Bosnia-Herzegovina, and instead attack places they've actually heard of, such as France, Australia, and Austria, unless, they said, those last two are the same country.

"Shouldn't we, as Americans, get to decide where wars are?" asked sophomore Kate Shermansky.

"People claim we don't know as much geography as our parents and grandparents, but it's so not our fault," Josh Beldoni, a senior at Fischer High School in Los Angeles, told the Senate Armed Services Committee. "Back then they only had wars in, like, Germany and England, but we're supposed to know about places like Somalia and Massachusetts."

"Macedonia," corrected committee Chairman Carl Levin of Michigan.
"See?" said Beldoni.

Beldoni's frustration was shared by nearly three dozen students at the hearing, who blamed the U.S. military for making them look bad.

"I totally support our soldiers and all that, but I am seriously failing both geography and social studies because I keep getting asked to find Croatia or Yemvrekia, or whatever bizarre-o country we send troops to," said Amelia Nash, a junior at Clark High School in Orlando, Fla. "Can't we fight in, like, Italy? It's boot-shaped."

Chairman Levin however, explained that Italy was a U.S. ally, and that intervention is usually in response to a specific threat.

"OK, what about Arulco?" interrupted Tyler Boone, a senior at Bellevue High School in Wisconsin. "That's a country in Jagged Alliance 2 run by the evil Queen Deidranna. I'm totally familiar with that place. She's a major threat."

"Jagged...?" said Levin.

"Alliance. It's a computer game."

"Well, no," Levin answered. "We can't attack a fictional country."

"Yeah right," Boone mumbled. "Like Grenada was real."

The students' testimony was supported by a cross-section of high school geography teachers, who urged the committee to help lay a solid foundation for America's young people by curtailing any intervention abroad.

"Since the anti-terror war began, most of my students can now point to Afghanistan on a map, which is fine, but those same kids still don't know the capitals of Nevada and Ohio," said Richard Gerber, who teaches at Rhymony High School in Atlanta. "I think we need to cut back on our activities overseas and take care of business at home, and if that means invading Tallahassee (Fla.) or Trenton (N.J.) so that students learn where they are, so be it."

An estimated 2,000 more students were expected to hold a march in the nation's capital, but forgot which city it was in.

Copyright © 1999-2002, SatireWire.

Good News

Saint Luke pictures Jesus at the dinner table of Simon the Pharisee, and the sinner is at his feet. “Shock! Horror!” cry the tabloids, “Preacher accepts public caresses of notorious prostitute!” Simon says to himself: “If this man was a prophet he would know what sort of woman this is, what a bad name she has.”

Simon lives in the categories of clean and unclean, of insiders and outsiders. The social fabric is threatened by accepting the presence of such a person at his table.

For Jesus there are no outsiders. He does not take issue with the accusation of being a glutton and drunkard. He sees food and drink not as a mark of who is holy, but as a means of uniting himself with all, clean and unclean alike. “Wisdom is justified in all her children,” says Jesus. Wisdom does not consist in knowing the rules and passing judgment, but in befriending all her children, men and women, like the sinner. That is his Good News.

How I Become More Decisive

Four Simple Steps to Becoming More Decisive:

1. Eeny

2. Meeny

3. Miney

4. Mo



by Andrew R. Juhl

Signs

I was in a public ladies' restroom the other day and it was only after I finished washing my own hands that I noticed the sign saying "Employees Must Wash Hands." Did I break the rule by washing my own hands? If so, what is the maximum penalty and would they be open to a plea bargain? I know, ignorance of the law is no excuse, but there weren't any employees in there when I was in there ...

stolen from the internet

When I'm 64?

When I’m Sixty-Four: Now that the generation which sang, ‘‘Hope I die before I get old’’ is actually getting old, can it still relate to the rock songs of its youth? Or is time to change the lyrics of such Baby Boomer classics as ‘‘I Can See for Miles’’ to ‘‘I can still see for miles, thanks to Lasik eye surgery, but I can’t focus on anything close up’’?

In an effort to better reflect the lifestyles of aging listeners, several big-name rock acts have begun updating their past hits. For example, the Beatles have released a new greatest hits collection targeted at elderly boomers. The songs include: ‘‘With a Little Help from Depends,’’ ‘‘Lucy in the Sky with Dentures,’’ ‘‘I’ve Just Seen a Face-Lift,’’ ‘‘Drive My Car (Because the DMV Revoked My License),’’ ‘‘Happiness is a Warm Bedpan,’’ ‘‘I Feel Fine (Except for Some Lower Back Pain)’’ and ‘‘Help! I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up!’’

In a similar vein, Steely Dan just recorded ‘‘Rikki Don’t Lose That Walker.’’ And Lynyrd Skynyrd is reworking ‘‘Free Bird’’ into ‘‘Early Bird,’’ a live tribute to discount meals for seniors.

The Rolling Stones have also retooled several hits, according to Chris Willman of Entertainment Weekly. The new tunes include: ‘‘Angie-oplasty,’’ ‘‘Sympathy for Wilford Brimley,’’ ‘‘You Can’t Always Pee When You Want,’’ ‘‘Let’s Spend Our Remaining Time Together,’’ ‘‘It’s Only Rock ’n Roll (But I Can’t Hear It),’’ ‘‘Ex-Lax on Main Street,’’ ‘‘6 p.m. Rambler,’’ ‘‘Jumpin’ Jack Benny,’’ ‘‘Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo (Pacemaker)’’ and ‘‘Dye It Black’’ (sample lyric: ‘‘I see a gray hair and I want to dye it black’’).

New Questions That Make Us Go "HUH?"

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?