High School Students Demand Wars In Easier-To-Find Countries

"How Come No One Fights in Big Famous Nations Anymore?" They Ask

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — A delegation of American high school students today demanded the United States stop waging war in obscure nations such as Afghanistan, Kuwait, and Bosnia-Herzegovina, and instead attack places they've actually heard of, such as France, Australia, and Austria, unless, they said, those last two are the same country.

"Shouldn't we, as Americans, get to decide where wars are?" asked sophomore Kate Shermansky.

"People claim we don't know as much geography as our parents and grandparents, but it's so not our fault," Josh Beldoni, a senior at Fischer High School in Los Angeles, told the Senate Armed Services Committee. "Back then they only had wars in, like, Germany and England, but we're supposed to know about places like Somalia and Massachusetts."

"Macedonia," corrected committee Chairman Carl Levin of Michigan.
"See?" said Beldoni.

Beldoni's frustration was shared by nearly three dozen students at the hearing, who blamed the U.S. military for making them look bad.

"I totally support our soldiers and all that, but I am seriously failing both geography and social studies because I keep getting asked to find Croatia or Yemvrekia, or whatever bizarre-o country we send troops to," said Amelia Nash, a junior at Clark High School in Orlando, Fla. "Can't we fight in, like, Italy? It's boot-shaped."

Chairman Levin however, explained that Italy was a U.S. ally, and that intervention is usually in response to a specific threat.

"OK, what about Arulco?" interrupted Tyler Boone, a senior at Bellevue High School in Wisconsin. "That's a country in Jagged Alliance 2 run by the evil Queen Deidranna. I'm totally familiar with that place. She's a major threat."

"Jagged...?" said Levin.

"Alliance. It's a computer game."

"Well, no," Levin answered. "We can't attack a fictional country."

"Yeah right," Boone mumbled. "Like Grenada was real."

The students' testimony was supported by a cross-section of high school geography teachers, who urged the committee to help lay a solid foundation for America's young people by curtailing any intervention abroad.

"Since the anti-terror war began, most of my students can now point to Afghanistan on a map, which is fine, but those same kids still don't know the capitals of Nevada and Ohio," said Richard Gerber, who teaches at Rhymony High School in Atlanta. "I think we need to cut back on our activities overseas and take care of business at home, and if that means invading Tallahassee (Fla.) or Trenton (N.J.) so that students learn where they are, so be it."

An estimated 2,000 more students were expected to hold a march in the nation's capital, but forgot which city it was in.

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Good News

Saint Luke pictures Jesus at the dinner table of Simon the Pharisee, and the sinner is at his feet. “Shock! Horror!” cry the tabloids, “Preacher accepts public caresses of notorious prostitute!” Simon says to himself: “If this man was a prophet he would know what sort of woman this is, what a bad name she has.”

Simon lives in the categories of clean and unclean, of insiders and outsiders. The social fabric is threatened by accepting the presence of such a person at his table.

For Jesus there are no outsiders. He does not take issue with the accusation of being a glutton and drunkard. He sees food and drink not as a mark of who is holy, but as a means of uniting himself with all, clean and unclean alike. “Wisdom is justified in all her children,” says Jesus. Wisdom does not consist in knowing the rules and passing judgment, but in befriending all her children, men and women, like the sinner. That is his Good News.