COP HUMOR

I have advised my 'stealth readers ' that they should not expect anything profound until after Christmas. Fortunately, there is no end of humor on the blogosphere to pass along.

This is a little long, but humorous if you can hang in.

NARCOTIC UNITS
Immediately grow facial hair, tell everybody you were ordered to.
Start watching every episode of Monster Garage.
Buy a biker wallet with a big chain.
Make every case involve overtime $$$.
Buy bunches of boats, RV’s, and motorcycles with that overtime.
Learn to play golf drunk.

SWAT UNITS
Wear team T-shirts, Oakley sunglasses and boots everyday.
Try to fit the word breach in to every conversation.
Have a mirror handy to check hair, if you have hair.
Never say hello to anyone who is not an operator, just practice your SWAT head nod.
Subscribe to Soldier of Fortune and Muscle and Fitness.
Learn to play golf wearing a gun.

COMMUNITY SERVICE UNITS
Hate SWAT.
Work to make everybody love you.
Paint your office in pastel colors. Think Feng Shui.
Subscribe to Psychology Today.
Learn to play miniature golf.

TRAFFIC UNITS
Write tickets to EVERYBODY.
Spend every weekend cleaning your bike and polishing boots.
Annoy everyone on the radio calling out your stops. Talk about nothing but how many tickets you wrote in one day.
Ride by a building with big windows to see your reflection.
Golf is lame, motor rodeos are cool.

ADMINISTRATIVE UNITS
Three-hour lunches everyday, tell everybody it’s a “meeting”.
Upgrade department cell phone every month.
Tell everybody you are published in a national law enforcement magazine.
Update your revenge list on a weekly basis.
Golf Rules! Play lots of golf.

PATROL UNITS
Has nerves of steel.
In a terminal state of nausea from department politics.
Inability to keep mouth shut.
Has defining tastes in alcohol. Is respected by peers.
Beats the crap out of his caddy on any bogeyed shot.

INVESTIGATORS
Come in at 0800.
“Breakfast” from 0815 to 1030.
Work from 1030 to Noon.
Noon to 1400 work out and Lunch 1400-1700.
Sit in CID and talk about how many girlfriends you have and how the wife doesn’t know.
Plan your next RV, fishing, motorcycle trip.

PATROL SERGEANT
Remembers very well “how we used to do it.”
Always willing to tell his officers the above.
Tries to fit the word “liability” in to every sentence.
Talks about “what he’s hearing from upstairs.”

TRAINEE
Unable to grow facial hair.
Watches every episode of Cops.
Worships the ground the SWAT guys walk on.
Arrives for work three hours early. Thinks the Sergeant is thrilled to see him.
Won’t drink on the golf course because it violates the open container ordinance.

FEDS
Shave head, and grow goatee (unless you want to be a management weenie, then make sure you are clean shaven, with short almost military style haircut).
Wear 5.11 pants, and polo with agency logo (unless you want to be a management weenie, then make sure you always have a shirt and pants to which a jacket and tie can be quickly added for when the boss might be around).
Arrive at work at 8 AM, spend one hour answering useless emails, and 30 minutes checking your retirement investments.
Then go with another agent to Starbucks “to discuss your new case.”
After participating in your first warrant service (as outside cover) make plans to join the agency SRT, SWAT, etc, to “properly utilize your superior tactical skills.”
After doing your first buy bust, immediately begin asking the boss about “long term undercover” jobs.
Refuse to play golf with “the locals.”

NEW CORRECTIONS OFFICERS
Show up for work 15 minutes early.
Buy only the best ink pens (Pilot G-2).
Wear T-Shirts of your “dream department” under your uniform.
Wear a full duty belt of gear even though you have to remove: gun, baton, spare magazines, knife, cell phone, and BUG when you arrive at the facility.
Become friends with every local police officer.
Continue eating too much and not exercising.

To all who serve and protect: THANK YOU!