Recently our Minister of Employment and Immigration, Iris Evans, issued an edict urging people without jobs or homes to avoid moving to Oil-berta. If you should choose to come anyway, Calgarians have a list of guidelines for you:
1. Bring your own house.
2. If moving to the oilsands, bring your own house, school and hospital, and avoid initiating conversations involving the word "Greenpeace" at all cost.
3. If going to Edmonton, also known as the murder capital of Canada, don't forget to bring your own down-filled bulletproof vest.
4. Minimum wage in Alberta is $7. Parking in downtown Calgary costs $10 an hour. Do the math before you arrive.
5. Forget about breaking in the new Porsche. The average speed on McLeod Trail is 12 km/h for most of the day.
6. Frustration from hours of sitting in traffic can be eased by a trip to the mountains - but only if your travel plans are not interrupted by transit strikes, roadwork, and, of course, traffic.
7. Calgary boasts a convenient network of fast-food joints and coffee houses, but don't expect to be let in for a seat -- it seems we can't seem to staff them.
8. If you're bent on sending your kid to Catholic school, look out. The school boards are considering merging facilities and most of us are too busy trying to find a parking spot to care.
9. Since somewhere along the way we lost track of the population and forgot to build new schools, hospitals and highways, don't come here expecting to get any smarter, healthier, or quicker behind the wheel.
10. If you're from Ontario, Quebec or the Federal government, you should either be deaf or plan to arrive with very thick skin.
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