New Rules For Employment:
Sickness and related leave: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Surgery: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Bereavement leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
Your own death: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
Restroom use: Too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with "B" will go from 8:10 to 8:20, and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
Paycheck guide: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks: Item Amount Gross = $1,222.02 Income tax = $244.40 State tax = $11.61 Interstate tax = $61.10 County tax = $6.11 City tax = $12.22 Rural tax = $4.44 Back tax = $1.11 Front tax = $1.16 Side tax = $1.61 Up tax = $1.08 Down tax = $1.14 Tic-Tacs = $1.98 = Thumbtacks $3.93 = Carpet tacks = $0.98 Stadium tax = $0.69 Flat tax = $8.32 Surtax = $2.23 Corporate tax = $2.60 Parking fee = $5.00 F.I.C.A. = $81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund = $9.95 Life insurance = $5.85 Health insurance = $16.23 Dental insurance = $4.50 Mental insurance = $4.33 Disability = $2.50 Ability = $0.25 Liability = $3.41 Coffee = $6.85 Coffee cups = $66.51 Floor rental = $16.85 Chair rental = $0.32 Desk rental = $4.32 Union dues = $5.85 Union donuts = $3.77 Cash advance = $0.69 Cash retreats = $121.35 Overtime = $1.26 Under time = $54.83 Eastern time = $9.00 Central time = $8.00 Mountain time = $7.00 Pacific time = $6.00 Time Out = $12.21 Oxygen = $10.02 Water = $16.54 Heat = $51.42 Cool air = $26.83 Hot air = $20.00 Miscellaneous = $113.29 Various = $8.01 Net Take Home Pay = $0.02
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week, The Management
13 September, 2007
02 September, 2007
Do you think you are not creative?
Dorothy Sayers said if all we knew about God was Genesis 1:1, all we would know is that God is creative.
Since we are created in God's image, at least one innate quality of humans is our creativity.
Since we are created in God's image, at least one innate quality of humans is our creativity.
29 August, 2007
High School Students Demand Wars In Easier-To-Find Countries
"How Come No One Fights in Big Famous Nations Anymore?" They Ask
Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — A delegation of American high school students today demanded the United States stop waging war in obscure nations such as Afghanistan, Kuwait, and Bosnia-Herzegovina, and instead attack places they've actually heard of, such as France, Australia, and Austria, unless, they said, those last two are the same country.
"Shouldn't we, as Americans, get to decide where wars are?" asked sophomore Kate Shermansky.
"People claim we don't know as much geography as our parents and grandparents, but it's so not our fault," Josh Beldoni, a senior at Fischer High School in Los Angeles, told the Senate Armed Services Committee. "Back then they only had wars in, like, Germany and England, but we're supposed to know about places like Somalia and Massachusetts."
"Macedonia," corrected committee Chairman Carl Levin of Michigan.
"See?" said Beldoni.
Beldoni's frustration was shared by nearly three dozen students at the hearing, who blamed the U.S. military for making them look bad.
"I totally support our soldiers and all that, but I am seriously failing both geography and social studies because I keep getting asked to find Croatia or Yemvrekia, or whatever bizarre-o country we send troops to," said Amelia Nash, a junior at Clark High School in Orlando, Fla. "Can't we fight in, like, Italy? It's boot-shaped."
Chairman Levin however, explained that Italy was a U.S. ally, and that intervention is usually in response to a specific threat.
"OK, what about Arulco?" interrupted Tyler Boone, a senior at Bellevue High School in Wisconsin. "That's a country in Jagged Alliance 2 run by the evil Queen Deidranna. I'm totally familiar with that place. She's a major threat."
"Jagged...?" said Levin.
"Alliance. It's a computer game."
"Well, no," Levin answered. "We can't attack a fictional country."
"Yeah right," Boone mumbled. "Like Grenada was real."
The students' testimony was supported by a cross-section of high school geography teachers, who urged the committee to help lay a solid foundation for America's young people by curtailing any intervention abroad.
"Since the anti-terror war began, most of my students can now point to Afghanistan on a map, which is fine, but those same kids still don't know the capitals of Nevada and Ohio," said Richard Gerber, who teaches at Rhymony High School in Atlanta. "I think we need to cut back on our activities overseas and take care of business at home, and if that means invading Tallahassee (Fla.) or Trenton (N.J.) so that students learn where they are, so be it."
An estimated 2,000 more students were expected to hold a march in the nation's capital, but forgot which city it was in.
Copyright © 1999-2002, SatireWire.
Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — A delegation of American high school students today demanded the United States stop waging war in obscure nations such as Afghanistan, Kuwait, and Bosnia-Herzegovina, and instead attack places they've actually heard of, such as France, Australia, and Austria, unless, they said, those last two are the same country.
"Shouldn't we, as Americans, get to decide where wars are?" asked sophomore Kate Shermansky.
"People claim we don't know as much geography as our parents and grandparents, but it's so not our fault," Josh Beldoni, a senior at Fischer High School in Los Angeles, told the Senate Armed Services Committee. "Back then they only had wars in, like, Germany and England, but we're supposed to know about places like Somalia and Massachusetts."
"Macedonia," corrected committee Chairman Carl Levin of Michigan.
"See?" said Beldoni.
Beldoni's frustration was shared by nearly three dozen students at the hearing, who blamed the U.S. military for making them look bad.
"I totally support our soldiers and all that, but I am seriously failing both geography and social studies because I keep getting asked to find Croatia or Yemvrekia, or whatever bizarre-o country we send troops to," said Amelia Nash, a junior at Clark High School in Orlando, Fla. "Can't we fight in, like, Italy? It's boot-shaped."
Chairman Levin however, explained that Italy was a U.S. ally, and that intervention is usually in response to a specific threat.
"OK, what about Arulco?" interrupted Tyler Boone, a senior at Bellevue High School in Wisconsin. "That's a country in Jagged Alliance 2 run by the evil Queen Deidranna. I'm totally familiar with that place. She's a major threat."
"Jagged...?" said Levin.
"Alliance. It's a computer game."
"Well, no," Levin answered. "We can't attack a fictional country."
"Yeah right," Boone mumbled. "Like Grenada was real."
The students' testimony was supported by a cross-section of high school geography teachers, who urged the committee to help lay a solid foundation for America's young people by curtailing any intervention abroad.
"Since the anti-terror war began, most of my students can now point to Afghanistan on a map, which is fine, but those same kids still don't know the capitals of Nevada and Ohio," said Richard Gerber, who teaches at Rhymony High School in Atlanta. "I think we need to cut back on our activities overseas and take care of business at home, and if that means invading Tallahassee (Fla.) or Trenton (N.J.) so that students learn where they are, so be it."
An estimated 2,000 more students were expected to hold a march in the nation's capital, but forgot which city it was in.
Copyright © 1999-2002, SatireWire.
28 August, 2007
Good News
Saint Luke pictures Jesus at the dinner table of Simon the Pharisee, and the sinner is at his feet. “Shock! Horror!” cry the tabloids, “Preacher accepts public caresses of notorious prostitute!” Simon says to himself: “If this man was a prophet he would know what sort of woman this is, what a bad name she has.”
Simon lives in the categories of clean and unclean, of insiders and outsiders. The social fabric is threatened by accepting the presence of such a person at his table.
For Jesus there are no outsiders. He does not take issue with the accusation of being a glutton and drunkard. He sees food and drink not as a mark of who is holy, but as a means of uniting himself with all, clean and unclean alike. “Wisdom is justified in all her children,” says Jesus. Wisdom does not consist in knowing the rules and passing judgment, but in befriending all her children, men and women, like the sinner. That is his Good News.
Simon lives in the categories of clean and unclean, of insiders and outsiders. The social fabric is threatened by accepting the presence of such a person at his table.
For Jesus there are no outsiders. He does not take issue with the accusation of being a glutton and drunkard. He sees food and drink not as a mark of who is holy, but as a means of uniting himself with all, clean and unclean alike. “Wisdom is justified in all her children,” says Jesus. Wisdom does not consist in knowing the rules and passing judgment, but in befriending all her children, men and women, like the sinner. That is his Good News.
15 August, 2007
How I Become More Decisive
Four Simple Steps to Becoming More Decisive:
1. Eeny
2. Meeny
3. Miney
4. Mo
by Andrew R. Juhl
1. Eeny
2. Meeny
3. Miney
4. Mo
by Andrew R. Juhl
Signs
I was in a public ladies' restroom the other day and it was only after I finished washing my own hands that I noticed the sign saying "Employees Must Wash Hands." Did I break the rule by washing my own hands? If so, what is the maximum penalty and would they be open to a plea bargain? I know, ignorance of the law is no excuse, but there weren't any employees in there when I was in there ...
stolen from the internet
stolen from the internet
When I'm 64?
When I’m Sixty-Four: Now that the generation which sang, ‘‘Hope I die before I get old’’ is actually getting old, can it still relate to the rock songs of its youth? Or is time to change the lyrics of such Baby Boomer classics as ‘‘I Can See for Miles’’ to ‘‘I can still see for miles, thanks to Lasik eye surgery, but I can’t focus on anything close up’’?
In an effort to better reflect the lifestyles of aging listeners, several big-name rock acts have begun updating their past hits. For example, the Beatles have released a new greatest hits collection targeted at elderly boomers. The songs include: ‘‘With a Little Help from Depends,’’ ‘‘Lucy in the Sky with Dentures,’’ ‘‘I’ve Just Seen a Face-Lift,’’ ‘‘Drive My Car (Because the DMV Revoked My License),’’ ‘‘Happiness is a Warm Bedpan,’’ ‘‘I Feel Fine (Except for Some Lower Back Pain)’’ and ‘‘Help! I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up!’’
In a similar vein, Steely Dan just recorded ‘‘Rikki Don’t Lose That Walker.’’ And Lynyrd Skynyrd is reworking ‘‘Free Bird’’ into ‘‘Early Bird,’’ a live tribute to discount meals for seniors.
The Rolling Stones have also retooled several hits, according to Chris Willman of Entertainment Weekly. The new tunes include: ‘‘Angie-oplasty,’’ ‘‘Sympathy for Wilford Brimley,’’ ‘‘You Can’t Always Pee When You Want,’’ ‘‘Let’s Spend Our Remaining Time Together,’’ ‘‘It’s Only Rock ’n Roll (But I Can’t Hear It),’’ ‘‘Ex-Lax on Main Street,’’ ‘‘6 p.m. Rambler,’’ ‘‘Jumpin’ Jack Benny,’’ ‘‘Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo (Pacemaker)’’ and ‘‘Dye It Black’’ (sample lyric: ‘‘I see a gray hair and I want to dye it black’’).
In an effort to better reflect the lifestyles of aging listeners, several big-name rock acts have begun updating their past hits. For example, the Beatles have released a new greatest hits collection targeted at elderly boomers. The songs include: ‘‘With a Little Help from Depends,’’ ‘‘Lucy in the Sky with Dentures,’’ ‘‘I’ve Just Seen a Face-Lift,’’ ‘‘Drive My Car (Because the DMV Revoked My License),’’ ‘‘Happiness is a Warm Bedpan,’’ ‘‘I Feel Fine (Except for Some Lower Back Pain)’’ and ‘‘Help! I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up!’’
In a similar vein, Steely Dan just recorded ‘‘Rikki Don’t Lose That Walker.’’ And Lynyrd Skynyrd is reworking ‘‘Free Bird’’ into ‘‘Early Bird,’’ a live tribute to discount meals for seniors.
The Rolling Stones have also retooled several hits, according to Chris Willman of Entertainment Weekly. The new tunes include: ‘‘Angie-oplasty,’’ ‘‘Sympathy for Wilford Brimley,’’ ‘‘You Can’t Always Pee When You Want,’’ ‘‘Let’s Spend Our Remaining Time Together,’’ ‘‘It’s Only Rock ’n Roll (But I Can’t Hear It),’’ ‘‘Ex-Lax on Main Street,’’ ‘‘6 p.m. Rambler,’’ ‘‘Jumpin’ Jack Benny,’’ ‘‘Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo (Pacemaker)’’ and ‘‘Dye It Black’’ (sample lyric: ‘‘I see a gray hair and I want to dye it black’’).
01 August, 2007
New Questions That Make Us Go "HUH?"
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
25 July, 2007
Bee-Gone
We used the Raaaaaaaaaid!! bomb to anahilate the wasps building a condo under our garage door, but I could not bring myself to do in the bees building a complex in Brett's wooden bird house attached to the back fence.
What do bees do in the winter?
What do bees do in the winter?
19 July, 2007
We All Scream
In recognition of National Ice Cream Month, here's some cool information:
* Vanilla accounts for 29% of all ice cream sales.
* Chocolate is second at 10% of the market.
* About 20% of people share their ice cream with their pets.
* AIR is the major ingredient of ice cream. Without air, ice cream would be as hard as concrete.
Thanks to Gerry Forbes, Calgary Sun
* Vanilla accounts for 29% of all ice cream sales.
* Chocolate is second at 10% of the market.
* About 20% of people share their ice cream with their pets.
* AIR is the major ingredient of ice cream. Without air, ice cream would be as hard as concrete.
Thanks to Gerry Forbes, Calgary Sun
Hot Dog Days Of Summer
I always wondered where the expession "dog days of summer" originated. The name comes from the so-called "Dog Star", the brightest star in the heavens besides the sun. Right now we're in the middle of National Hot Dog Month and it's also National Ice Cream Month. Throw in CFL football and it's a great month to be alive.
How popular are hot dogs in Calgary? Over the 10 days at the Stampede, 125,148 regular hot dogs were sold at Stampede Park (who counts these things?) Also, 335,920 jumbo dogs and 96,272 corn dogs were gobbled up.
More hot dog trivia?
- The longest hot dog ever measured was 60.3 metres at the Alaska Prince Hotel in Japan.
- The world record for hot dog eating still stands at 59 1/2 dogs in 12 minutes by Joey Chestnut, who claimed the record last month.
The first words ever spoken by Mickey Mouse were "hot dog" in the animated movied Karnival Kid, although at the time, Mickey was known as Steamboat Willie.
Hmmm ... this is making me hungry ... gotta throw on a dog.
How popular are hot dogs in Calgary? Over the 10 days at the Stampede, 125,148 regular hot dogs were sold at Stampede Park (who counts these things?) Also, 335,920 jumbo dogs and 96,272 corn dogs were gobbled up.
More hot dog trivia?
- The longest hot dog ever measured was 60.3 metres at the Alaska Prince Hotel in Japan.
- The world record for hot dog eating still stands at 59 1/2 dogs in 12 minutes by Joey Chestnut, who claimed the record last month.
The first words ever spoken by Mickey Mouse were "hot dog" in the animated movied Karnival Kid, although at the time, Mickey was known as Steamboat Willie.
Hmmm ... this is making me hungry ... gotta throw on a dog.
18 July, 2007
Gettin' With It
Facebook is the younger person's game and my famly has got me into it. I have found it a great way to search for misplaced (?) lost (?) friends. Even though they are unlikely to be found there, their children may be. Just found the child of a friend that I have trying to reconnect with for for many years! She is going to give me her mom's e-mail address. How cool is that?
17 July, 2007
Profound Thought Of The Day
From Blake's Journal: A thought for when the news of the world seems like it couldn't get much worse.
When I despair, I remember that all through history the ways of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants, and murderers, and for a time they can seem invincible, but in the end they always fall. Think of it--always.
When I despair, I remember that all through history the ways of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants, and murderers, and for a time they can seem invincible, but in the end they always fall. Think of it--always.
10 July, 2007
Spanish Word Of The Day
Spanish word of the day: 'recargar' [reh-kahr-GAHR]
English translation: recharge
Phrase:
'Tengo que recargar las pilas.'
I have to recharge the batteries.
How do I say I have to recharge MY batteries?
A Spanish saying:
A diario una manzana es cosa sana.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
English translation: recharge
Phrase:
'Tengo que recargar las pilas.'
I have to recharge the batteries.
How do I say I have to recharge MY batteries?
A Spanish saying:
A diario una manzana es cosa sana.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
16 June, 2007
Giddy-Up
I live in cowboy/ranching country in a town with a strong Western heritage. At any parade you are likely to see lots of these four legged creatures. And doesn't every smaller prairie town have a Saan store?
Nostalgia
Sometimes I would give anything to be HERE or anywhere similar to HERE in Saskatchewan.
This is a picture of the perfect end to a perfect day on the lake. I would be sitting on the end of the dock with my feet in the water, enjoying the sunset. This particular picture was taken at Madge Lake, near Kamsack. SK.
Photo by W.C.
13 June, 2007
Wedding Pic
After seven years together, our daughter and her daughter married this wonderful man on April 7th. They were married in our livingroom, converted into The Little Chapel On The Prairies. A wonderful day.
05 June, 2007
When moving to Alberta ...
Recently our Minister of Employment and Immigration, Iris Evans, issued an edict urging people without jobs or homes to avoid moving to Oil-berta. If you should choose to come anyway, Calgarians have a list of guidelines for you:
1. Bring your own house.
2. If moving to the oilsands, bring your own house, school and hospital, and avoid initiating conversations involving the word "Greenpeace" at all cost.
3. If going to Edmonton, also known as the murder capital of Canada, don't forget to bring your own down-filled bulletproof vest.
4. Minimum wage in Alberta is $7. Parking in downtown Calgary costs $10 an hour. Do the math before you arrive.
5. Forget about breaking in the new Porsche. The average speed on McLeod Trail is 12 km/h for most of the day.
6. Frustration from hours of sitting in traffic can be eased by a trip to the mountains - but only if your travel plans are not interrupted by transit strikes, roadwork, and, of course, traffic.
7. Calgary boasts a convenient network of fast-food joints and coffee houses, but don't expect to be let in for a seat -- it seems we can't seem to staff them.
8. If you're bent on sending your kid to Catholic school, look out. The school boards are considering merging facilities and most of us are too busy trying to find a parking spot to care.
9. Since somewhere along the way we lost track of the population and forgot to build new schools, hospitals and highways, don't come here expecting to get any smarter, healthier, or quicker behind the wheel.
10. If you're from Ontario, Quebec or the Federal government, you should either be deaf or plan to arrive with very thick skin.
1. Bring your own house.
2. If moving to the oilsands, bring your own house, school and hospital, and avoid initiating conversations involving the word "Greenpeace" at all cost.
3. If going to Edmonton, also known as the murder capital of Canada, don't forget to bring your own down-filled bulletproof vest.
4. Minimum wage in Alberta is $7. Parking in downtown Calgary costs $10 an hour. Do the math before you arrive.
5. Forget about breaking in the new Porsche. The average speed on McLeod Trail is 12 km/h for most of the day.
6. Frustration from hours of sitting in traffic can be eased by a trip to the mountains - but only if your travel plans are not interrupted by transit strikes, roadwork, and, of course, traffic.
7. Calgary boasts a convenient network of fast-food joints and coffee houses, but don't expect to be let in for a seat -- it seems we can't seem to staff them.
8. If you're bent on sending your kid to Catholic school, look out. The school boards are considering merging facilities and most of us are too busy trying to find a parking spot to care.
9. Since somewhere along the way we lost track of the population and forgot to build new schools, hospitals and highways, don't come here expecting to get any smarter, healthier, or quicker behind the wheel.
10. If you're from Ontario, Quebec or the Federal government, you should either be deaf or plan to arrive with very thick skin.
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